Thursday, 7 June 2012
Relationships & Breakups
Hello, there. I do realise that the primary focus of this blog is fashion & makeup, however, it is one of my main mediums for self-expression. Having said that, I'd like to focus on a topic that is probably not easy for many of us to talk about, especially people who have been through tough breakups, divorces etc.
I guess the best way to start is by describing my latest experience (without getting into too much detail, as it is still quite recent and I wouldn't want to disclose too much about it). My ex-boyfriend and I were together, in a committed relationship for roughly 8 months, which ended a little while ago on mutual agreement. Like any other relationship, we had our own difficulties, which could be recapitulated by: long distance, differences in character, improper communication. Despite our differences, we managed to stay together for 8 months and this was possible due to mutual love & support. Now, the question that would probably spring into your heads is whether we could have made it work, regardless of your differences. Well, to be honest, one would think that having in mind the fact that we are no longer together, neither of us thought we could. Having been through a period of sadness & regret, I can tell you now, if you have something to say to your ex partners, DO IT. Do it because they deserve to know how you feel. They don't deserve to be oblivious of your feelings & emotions. As selfish as this may sound and as many complications this may give birth to, I would always prefer to express my true feelings. To the people that know me outside the virtual space, this may sound ludicrous, especially coming from a person who used to say that one's emotions shouldn't get the better of them & that expressing emotions is a weakness. However, I have to admit, I was wrong. Yes, expressing your true feelings may leave you without a "protective barrier" and you may only end up getting hurt even more, but... Like that old song goes "love is a battle field". In other words, you owe it to yourself to fight for what you want. Of course, it is not always as simplistic as it sounds right now. Often times one may be confused about what they want. What I suggest is, draw a list of pros & cons and evaluate the situation. Hah, this reminds me of Miranda's way of handling things in the Sex & the City movie, when Steve cheated on her. They were both hurt, but they both wanted to be together again. Like her, I tried drawing the same list of pros & cons and... I am not going to reveal too much about it, but I am absolutely positive that it helped me a lot.
Another aspect of breakups I'd like to mention is time. People say time heals all wounds and, to a certain extent, I would have to agree. I believe many people would back me up on this, as in time one grows stronger, wiser, more independent, thus allowing them to view the circumstances more clearly. However, there is always the question of whether time would make you grow apart to a degree where you are no longer those two people who used to share a relationship together. Well, I can't give you the answer to this one, as it is unique to every individual. If I had to speak of my most recent personal experience, I would have to say that... Yes, I would hate to waste time, growing apart, socialising with other people, getting in new relationships. But... A part of me knows that giving each other time to be apart may be what we need in order to become better people and maybe meet one day and fall in love again. This is one of the beauties of life - its unpredictability. You never know when you may run into an ex-partner and feel the sparks again. Of course, if the ultiamte goal of all this is to get back together, there would always be the fear that growing apart would lead to becoming so different that entering a relationship with the same person is an impossibility. I reliase I am not being very helpful, as I am not giving you proper advice here, but you have to find the answers to whether trying to get back together shortly after the breakup or giving it time is the better alternative yourselves.
With regards to getting back together after a breakup, one should always keep into account the reasons for the breakup in the first place. If the reason was differences in character, and changes in your characters may be either impossible or undesirable, then maybe getting back togetherr is not the best option? However, it all depends on how committed you are to each other. I believe that if both parties work together for the overall benefit of the relationship, then certain changes are not to be underestimated. Yes, you may think that there is someone out there who would appreciate and cherish you for what you truly are and maybe you are right. But if you are positive that you don't want to be with anybody else, then I suppose your best bet is to have a serious conversation about the things each of you is willing to change and maybe try to work out how an eventual reconcilement would affect you as individuals and as part of an entity (relationship).
One more aspect of a breakup I would like to mention here is staying friends after the breakup. Many of us grow accustomed to the other person's presence in our lives & upon breaking up, we feel as if we've lost a big part of our essence, as we are no longer able to have even the simplest of conversations with them. In such situations, many ex-couples resort to trying to stay friends or close acquaintances. Yes, it does have its benefits, such as not having to leave the person in your past and completely detaching yourselves from them, which may aid the healing process, but let's face it... It is very difficult, at least at first, to view the person you have been sharing hopes, dreams, a bed with, in a different light. If you manage to eventually become good friends, other difficulties may arise. Difficulties, such as having to see them happy with another man/woman, or seeing them being truly happy on their own, without you. However, you should always try to remember the love you once had/still have for these people and that their happiness is something you should also be happy about. Yes, this may mean that you weren't the perfect match for them, yes it may also mean that you weren't capable of making them as happy as they are now/will be in the future. But if you truly love/loved them, try to distance yourself from feelings of anxiety & jealosy and try to see the bigger picture, which is that they are happy without you and this is no reason to get down on yourselves, because many people are not ideal for each other and splitting up is the best thing they can do, in order to preserve themselves as individuals & try to find happiness elsewhere.
I believe in the strength of a relationship, with all its benefits & shortcomings. In my opinion, the basics of a proper relationship are: love, passion, appreciation, commitment, compromise, devotion, (mutual) support, understanding, patience. If you think your relationship had the majority/all of the aforementioned, then I would say fight for it, because finding someone with whom you were able to share all that is a true rarity.
I hope you found this article helpful!